Are We Compatible? Who Cares TBH.
My compatibility checklist is burning in the fireplace right now; I ditched it in favour of focusing on myself.
Two key questions guide my journey:
- What kind of lifestyle do I want?
- How can I create my dream lifestyle?
When I was single a few years ago, a sacred circle of viciously large thorns surrounded my vault of plans. Who I spent time with became a conscious choice. My hazel eyes rested on some cool ideas for the future and that sh*t became really important to me.
Answering the lifestyle question, came out of journaling about options, wants, needs, and desires. Options that appealed — studying psychology or art in other countries — living in a cosy wood cabin in Norway, with a roaring fireplace and loyal Basset Hound for company. I had no kids, so this was all within reach. If I could scrape some money together, I could make this happen. My plans excited me. Like a lot.
I became busy drawing and painting again. Then, something funny happened: losers, disguised as friends, tried to waste my time, but it was blissfully easy to moonwalk away. I had art, writing and a career to manage, so I didn’t have time for crappy behaviour! I was too busy being happy and following the plan! Taking the steering wheel of life into my hands, I started to follow through on promises to myself, even though it felt weird. Through daily guided meditations, creating art, taking walks for my health, and visiting museums, I was a tourist in my hometown. It was the photography walks that truly elevated my mood. Capturing mystical shots of nature while listening to music.
When a romantic interest did come along, my attitude was one of indifference. My usual ‘they’re fun or we have chemistry’ non-strategy of the past was dust—no more wasting time, no more passing power to others. How people make me feel through their actions and behaviour has become my new standard, and it remains my primary focus. I prioritize individuals who provide a sense of safety, calm, respect, and kindness, rather than those who merely offer entertainment, validation, or distraction. When someone doesn’t align with these values, I’m comfortable moving on.
It was hard at first; saying no to external requests and pressures and yes to myself. But the strong sense of inner trust was building and it felt SO GOOD, addictive even. It took about a year of doing this to reach a new, strange level of confidence. I remember getting spiritual ‘chills’, I remember booking a holiday to an island and sitting in a helicopter, viewing the ocean zip by beneath my feet, and thinking “holy cow” this is what I can actually do!
A very spiritual, religious, caring, loyal, and talented mystery man who doesn’t drink and makes me feel safe arrived in my life around this time. I wasn’t looking; I wasn’t on any dating sites, he just emerged from my new circle of friends, which emerged from my fresh vision of life. When we crossed paths, the shared vision bonded us.
The exceptional people I’ve met since those days have supported my personal growth, helped me launch multiple businesses, and joined me at Art School as I studied a Visual Arts Diploma — these are wild dreams I never thought would happen. I’m learning that self-acceptance, strong standards, and having that guide me and attract people interested in the same vision beat focusing on chemistry and compatibility. Not that those things are not important, but I think I had to focus on myself and my lifestyle first.
Reflecting on those initial questions —
‘What kind of lifestyle do I want?’ and ‘How can I create my dream lifestyle?’ Some answers emerged naturally by focusing on growth and surrounding myself with those who align with my core values. Creating a life that feels authentically mine. A life that excites with goals that matter and allows relationships to form organically from that framework. The lesson seems to be: A life isn’t something to be found—it’s something you create, step by step, choice by choice. It seems when you’re busy building this life, who you’re compatible with and your non-negotiables become clear by default.
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