Are We Compatible?

Precious Self
6 min readDec 24, 2023

Ever wondered if they are the one’?

Here’s how I (accidentally) found out:

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Like most people, I started with the wrong question. Rather than asking if they're ‘the one’, based on my experience and unending research, it turns out it’s all about you.

I had to throw away my ideal partner checklist and rethink everything.

As a relationship and life coach and someone who has (finally) found ‘the one’, I now invite people to consider the following:

  1. What kind of lifestyle do YOU want?
  2. How can you create YOUR dream lifestyle?
  3. What kind of partner will your lifestyle attract?

Let me explain why and how this approach will inspire your knight in shining armour or high priestess to ride into your life, like a Disney fairy tale:

When I found myself single a few years ago, I decided to do dating differently. I regarded my time as sacred. I carefully and consciously decided who to spend my time on and who not to. Instead of basing that on momentary feelings, I had my eye firmly on my plans for the future. Note: I fall in love easily with an overactive imagination. I fell in love with a tree once (you get the idea). This time would be different, though; this time I decided to plan a happy life (in great detail!) before meeting anyone.

When I say great detail, I mean literally. I had plans scribbled all over pieces of paper in my new apartment with multiple alternate scenarios, financial forecasts, and notes about my options, needs, and desires. It looked like I was planning a bank robbery.

When you get busy planning and executing your dream life (style), something funny happens: any losers or users that try wasting your time are easy to walk away from, kind of like flies dropping to the ground. I had art, writing, hobbies to do, and a career to manage, so I didn’t have time for crappy behavior! I was too busy being happy and following the plan! (My plan).

This intense focus on designing my life, from where I lived, to what I wanted to do with my time, accidently changed my selection process. I found myself choosing to spend time with a romantic interest based on who I wanted to be in the future, in my new life, and the value they could add, which was a significant difference from my usual ‘they’re fun or we have chemistry’ non-strategy of the past. I’d developed a strong vision of the life I was planning to create and 100% conviction that I could achieve it (alone! ), and I wasn’t going to waste any more time passing that power to anyone else.

When someone interesting did come along, I remember feeling focused on how they made me feel rather than their opinion of me. I had the clarity and headspace to observe how things felt around this person—their actions and behavior towards me—and I didn’t care about what they thought of me. This time I followed a feeling of safety (whereas in the past, without the stability of a life plan, I’d been looking to feel entertained, liked, and even distracted), but this time I was much more focused on how they could make me feel, and the feelings I really remember being attracted to became safety, respect, being taken care of, protected, and provided for.

This change came from rebuilding my inner confidence and learning how to respect my goals and needs. It felt as though I had taken hold of the steering wheel of my life. My life plan helped me follow through on promises to myself like doing daily guided meditations, doing art, taking walks for my health, and visiting museums. things I didn’t do much before, in case people thought it was ‘weird’. I said no to other external requests and pressures and yes to myself. It all created a strong sense of inner trust that I could do anything and that I had my back. It took about a year to reach this new, strange level of confidence. Eventually, a wild kind of freedom and joy enveloped me in a constant state of natural highs that I’d never experienced before. I even started to get spiritual ‘chills’. That’s when I knew I could manifest the life I wanted, whether someone was in my life or not.

The vision I had for myself began to develop. I imagined being super-fit and healthy, not drinking, following my passions (art and writing), helping others, and working for myself. I was also contemplating raising a child. That vision was a catalyst, but I certainly didn’t anticipate that it would attract the right guy to me like a magnet.

The next thing I knew, an awesome, caring, loyal, talented guy who doesn’t drink and makes me feel safe arrived in my life! I wasn’t looking; I wasn’t on any dating sites, and he emerged from my new circle of friends, which emerged from my fresh vision of life. What I had created for myself had a domino effect, and so when we crossed paths, it bonded us together in a super natural, undeniable way.

These days, with the support of our fantastic relationship and marriage, I have been able to pursue personal growth, start multiple businesses, and achieve a visual arts diploma—things I’ve dreamed of pursuing my whole life. I’m enjoying every moment. My husband has honored my life plan throughout our 6+ years of marriage, and I’m so grateful. Honestly, I'm still in shock a little bit!

So for me, compatibility is born from having a clear vision of what your happy, singular future looks like (even if you’re in a relationship), planning it in detail, executing it, and never giving up on the plan, no matter what or who comes along (or leaves!). When your life ‘stands up’ on its own, your confidence will be high. When you focus on your desires, it will prevent you from falling into common traps. The trap of looking for validation, entertainment, or self-worth in places outside of yourself.

Compatibility hasn’t been reliant on ticking boxes or having the same religion, hobbies, attitudes, or opinions; in a lot of ways, my husband and I are very different. Our backgrounds couldn’t be more polar opposite. Rather, it has been about self-acceptance, building myself up, and having that guide me and attract people interested in the same vision.

If you are at a crossroads in life, some questions to ask are:

  1. If the next 10 years look like this, am I going to be happy?
  2. Who do I want to be?
  3. What lifestyle do I want to create?
  4. How would I like to handle my finances in future relationships, if one comes along?
  5. Does this person I’m dating compliment the above or add value?

Practical day-to-day techniques that helped me during my dating phase:

  1. Continue to ask yourself each day: What are my true needs and preferences?
  2. Get to know yourself and strengthen your relationship with yourself
  3. Give yourself enough time to get to know someone before jumping through commitment hoops too early
  4. Ask yourself as often as possible: What do I want? How do I feel? Take space to figure this out intuitively when needed.
  5. Own your truth and share it (people cannot read your mind)
  6. Use the tools below to get to know yourself, your friends, your dates, and your family

During this time, I got to know myself in the most in-depth way possible, so I could design a life that matched who I am. I used the following tools to discover more about myself and qualify the people I dated:

If you have a plan, unwavering belief, and conviction, any future you imagine is yours, and compatibility will find you.

Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed this gem of insight, clap and clap some more, comment, and subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.

PS:

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