Breaking Free from the Overfunctioning Trap: A Journey to Relationship Balance and Self-Discovery
Weirdly, getting married flicked a switch, and it felt like my job to look after my partner.
“Jam or peanut butter”? I yelled angrily from the kitchen as my (then) partner played video games. His face lit from the screen glare, laughing with his friends amidst super-loud gunfire.
Relationships can get off balance. Nobody’s fault; just something to be aware of. Let me share a story…
Me? Oh yeah, I was embarrassingly clueless about relationship dynamics (and my own needs); I remember proudly doing everything.
It was like he was ill, and I was taking care of him.
Yet he was splendidly fine and well.
Not sure if you know Marilyn in the TV soap Home and Away?
That was me.
I was smothering; it removed the oxygen and left a vacuum.
I felt exhausted, but, my God, there was no stopping me!
Hovering, making lunch, cleaning, fetching things. Weirdly, getting married flicked a switch, and it felt like my job to look after my partner.
Carrying 10 kg of bottled water to the car as the heat of the sun filled my eyes with sweat was, well, just part of it. Unless we wanted to starve, the grocery run with free entry to the sitting-in-traffic party was crucial on Saturday mornings.
Cooking, grocery shopping, working full time, ordering meals at restaurants, paying bills, fetching him (and his friends) drinks, and meeting any other requests (since I was going that way)…
“I will get that for you,” I’d helpfully say!
Wait what? Somehow I’d become a full-time waitress, air hostess, and concierge. aka. a doormat.
Revolving my life 100% around the other person seemed familiar. Yet I remember the undercurrent of tension and hostility. I longed to hear a few words of gratitude; instead, I got a running report of things I did wrong.
Confused and unappreciated, a mountain of resentment was building.
I had learnt, seen, and received the message that women should do everything so I overfunctioned. I was also picking up the slack because, in reality, he didn’t seem willing to do the things listed above. He refused to cook, grocery shop, etc. it was like it was above him.
So, I filled the gap of things he wouldn’t do; I abandoned my needs, wants, and goals and served him entirely. He left me alone a lot. He seemed intent on being as far away as possible. (I imagine the cranky look on my face didn’t help!) I felt abandoned.
Losing interest in the relationship was inevitable because I saw it as a burden. Eventually, we spent less and less time together until our relationship fell into a pile of burning ashes.
As Rori Raye, a trained relationship coach and former crisis counselor, says:
Where women are making a huge mistake today is defaulting to the masculine, action-oriented, take-charge style we’ve learned to use out in the world.
In the next relationship, I experimented with doing things differently. I dropped my oars and allowed my partner to row. I experimented with letting go of control and fear.
Focusing on my own life, self-nourishment, and doing things that made me happy instead of being a waitress.
Reconnecting with my inner self and plugging back into my emotions and identity took a lot of daily work and techniques that I now share with others.
Happy to say that overfunctioning is now rebalanced with receiving help, being vulnerable and admitting I have struggles and don’t want to do it all. The first time I received help, instead of saying my usual “I will do it/I’m OK,” it felt uncomfortable, but my current guy just smiles and helps me out with anything I need!
Now I feel comfortable going to him for help; he recently helped brainstorm the name of my business, Precious Self, and I love it!
Now I realise I’ve let someone be my partner, like truly ‘let them in’, let them guide me in this little dance called life, trusted them, had faith, dropped my guard, and let things flow. Without doing the inner work on trust, I’d have been stuck in this relationship pattern, potentially forever (with whoever).
I had no idea I was a blocker to the teamwork and love I wanted. It was scary, but now it’s a relief.
The journey to freedom—how did I get there? It was a troubled road. I discovered my inner boundaries and began to trust them. Tuned into my feelings and expressed my true wants and needs.
Learned new ways to process negative thoughts (Ego and shadow work).
I’ve backflipped my viewpoint and behaviour. I realised my standards needed to be WAY higher!
As Rori Raye also says:
When women Overfunction. Men become lazy complacent and vaguely resentful, and stop trying to make women happy. They sense women distrust their abilities and intentions and feel criticized as a result. They opt out of masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all.
The reflection of my inner work embodies the joyful way I run my businesses, the happiness I feel in my job, and the enjoyment I get from my hobbies.
I now get groceries delivered.
Who knew being an air hostess 24/7 was the real turbulence in my life! (Sorry…had to go there).
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