How (even covert) Negativity Kills Intimacy

What is it about criticising and complaining that makes us feel safe? In the old days, focusing on people’s mistakes or shortfalls solidified my deepest mistrust and mitigated risk; I’d step in first, thinking I could avoid pain. Keeping an uninvested distance shielded my heart.

I named these voices in my head: Negative Thought Guards.

The invisible (but rather vocal) negative thought guards (NTG’s) happened to work 24/7. They never slept much or had a tea break.

Here’s one of them illustrated for you:

Negative thoughts usually ended up in my ‘Secret Truth Diary’ which, (I thought) helped to ‘keep things real’. (how else was I to keep track of all those negative thoughts!) :-/

Dear Diary, it would say, today I’m so over it, this person is the absolute pits, if only they would LISTEN TO ME! Great, this person has gone against me again!… I’m going to have to… He/She’s forgotten their promise to… blah, blah, blah otherwise, this is my future, and it sucks!…blah, blah…they are all out to get me…etc, etc.

It all seemed harmless at the time. I felt I needed to vent! It seemed therapeutic to let off steam to my friends, my journal, or whenever I’d had ‘a few too many drinks’. But I was wrong about it being a harmless secret. My subconscious was…