How (even covert) Negativity Kills Intimacy

What is it about criticising and complaining that makes us feel safe? In the old days, focusing on people’s mistakes or shortfalls solidified my deepest mistrust and mitigated risk; I’d step in first, thinking I could avoid pain. Keeping an uninvested distance shielded my heart.

I named these voices in my head: Negative Thought Guards.

The invisible (but rather vocal) negative thought guards (NTG’s) happened to work 24/7. They never slept much or had a tea break.

Here’s one of them illustrated for you:

Negative thoughts usually ended up in my ‘Secret Truth Diary’ which, (I thought) helped to ‘keep things real’. (how else was I to keep track of all those negative thoughts!) :-/

Dear Diary, it would say, today I’m so over it, this person is the absolute pits, if only they would LISTEN TO ME! Great, this person has gone against me again!… I’m going to have to… He/She’s forgotten their promise to… blah, blah, blah otherwise, this is my future, and it sucks!…blah, blah…they are all out to get me…etc, etc.

It all seemed harmless at the time. I felt I needed to vent! It seemed therapeutic to let off steam to my friends, my journal, or whenever I’d had ‘a few too many drinks’. But I was wrong about it being a harmless secret. My subconscious was listening to this and, more disturbingly, believing it! It was a self-perpetuating nightmare.

In the book “How to Do the Work” by Dr. Nicole LePera, she describes this as living in an egoic state. “When our ego is activated, everything is personal, and the ego will fight to assert itself. Defensive and fear-based, the ego interprets any disagreement or criticism as a direct threat to our very existence.”

From my own experience, the Egoic state gives off a vibe, and these thoughts have a habit of slipping out when you least expect it (during pocket dials, for example!). Ultimately, I hurt people I cared about and hurt myself. The vibe is like a shadow, leaving a mark on people’s experiences. It shows in your body language, aloofness, and eye-rolling. When I realised negative thoughts poisoned things, I was embarrassed and mortified.

Thankfully I found out how to do ego and shadow work. As Nicole LePera confirms: “If we do not practise witnessing the ego, it will fight to assert itself and dominate, leading to feelings of insecurity and low self worth as the ego works overtime to defend us.”

The work involved daily techniques to convert negative thoughts into positive affirmations. I discovered ego and shadow work isn’t linear; I had awesome progress. But the little “Medusa”, (my nickname for the Ego), would still spawn out the occasional NTG.

Just last week, someone diced with death and said, “You’re so unprepared!” For context; they noticed I was not carrying a bottle of water with me on a blisteringly hot day.

My ego took this harmless advice as criticism, and negative thoughts about them being cold-hearted and flawed for saying “such hurtful things” flowed, making me feel off-balance and triggered. “How dare you speak to me that way?” I responded defensively. (and possibly some swear words.)

Besides the odd slip back down the slope, with a new set of skills, I can examine my feelings before responding and telling Medusa to sit back down. I ask myself — why am I feeling criticised? Is it this person’s intention to be critical? Upon internal exploration, this person was looking for a way to help. A helpful technique asks, What is their heartfelt intention?

Instead of taking it personally, these days I say, ‘Thank you for helping me”. Obviously, in the movie where I say; “How dare you speak to me that way!” the relationship between us became fraught, confusing, and ended with more arguing, and eventually, I left. In the alternative movie, I say; “Thank you for helping me.” Emotional safety is protected! (And I was hydrated all day!) On a serious note; the guy involved, felt needed and appreciated, and I felt dignified for seeing this person in the best light: as a hero ensuring I had water for the day.

As Fiona Lukeis, an Australian decades-long relationship coach, rightly says:

“When a relationship has built a history of handling conflict well, people relax. They feel safe around each other and know that their frailties are protected. In showing their insecure side (temporary feelings of insecurity), the relationship can navigate disagreements without lingering residue.”

When a relationship doesn’t build this history, each time they experience conflict, a small notch in the “I don’t think we are a good match” or “We are too different”, belt grows.

Shifting negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones, has made every aspect of my life feel lighter. I couldn’t do this without practice, without gaining knowledge about what universally motivates people and how they communicate. Self-nurturing also helps squash NTG’s, take a look at the self-nourishment I revolve my life around for inspo. I’d highly recommend keeping an eye out for those negative thought guards—they tend to multiply into small armies when you make a big commitment towards a fellow human, like marrying or moving in together.

Their boss is called: FEAR.

I wrote about fear in my article, Abundance or Scarcity.

Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed this gem of insight, clap and clap some more, comment, and subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.

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